By: William Briggs
Appendix is fucked. I can tell. It hurts like it’s in a bind, being held by hairy hands and wringed. This pain has got to go away. Cut it out? Sure get rid of it. I don’t need it.
It’s like my gut had tacs and nails for breakfast and on its way out of the diner decided to finish the last of the lemon juice with a big swig.
You don’t even need an appendix. It’s a waste of space, extra weight. Trim girls should get them chopped out before they slip into that dinner dress.
“Look, I don’t have a deal for you. I have an offer that you have to take."
“I can’t make it more simple, if you don’t take this offer, you’re dead. Fuck, you’re kid’s dead too.”
That’s right. Squirm in your seat.
My appendix opens his mouth. How the hell did he get a moustache?
“Ok, I know you’re serious and your friends are serious, but I’m serious too. I’ll have everything delivered tomorrow morning. It’s that simple. Kill me now and you don’t have a package—just a waste problem.”
He was a hunk of useless organ spouting off dribble. The package, the delivery, was about as important as life. We needed it.
My eyes fell onto a newspaper: “Beta-345 Colonizes; Celebrates”
“Ok, quit playing cunt-games—why the dance? Why tomorrow morning when you know your useless life, your kids life, your wives fucking life, are on the line today?”
My insides bubbled up and the pain stirred. My mustached organ smiled and slime fell into the pocket between his lips and teeth.
“Because I can—you can’t colonize this place, you can’t control this place, without my goods. That’ why I’m asking for more money and for more time. Without me your friends are just guys dressed as generals.”
His point was crystal clear. The pain narrowed to a sword point and pierced my gut hard for a moment. I had to jam my eyes close to collect all the ragged nerves.
“We had a deal. You break a fucking deal; we break your life into pieces. You aren’t the only crank scientist that gets a hard-on for a briefcase full of cash.”
I’ll have him on the fence in no time. I could break lab coats; they were just people with more books in their head. They all reacted to blood in the same way.
“Here’s the thing, you know it and I know it. I’m the only scientist in light years. It’s just me. I’m the only guy who can throw it together for you and I have…but right now, with demand as it is, and supply as it is—I want more money.”
His capsules, the delivery, would make this planet livable. It would get us all out of the tunnels and would make my friends famous which would make them leaders. Soon we’d be eating all sorts of food. He could fly off, counting his cash and fucking his wife. He could hold back, sure, he could demand more cash, fine. It was expected.
“Don’t think you’re the first shoe shine to think you can change the terms cause you lost your conscience. Here’s what we’ll do. You don’t deliver now; we’ll gather your body up, pin it to a wall, and get someone who doesn’t smile a lot ask again.”
My pain filled organ laughed or chuckled. I couldn’t tell.
“Even if I paint you a picture it won’t help. It’s rigged to explode if it’s opened without my voice code. I’m not the man you’re depending on for no reason, Mr. Harm.”
My appendix swooned and pain crushed over me like a bombed building. He was going to be difficult. Funny thing is we couldn’t even pay him what we originally agreed on. We were broke. Why he believed this rat hole had more then a briefcase of cash in it was beyond me. Sure he might have been clever, but he was just tricking a bunch of animals that spent the last of the cash on fucking and booze.
I reached for my knife and my gut folded into itself causing everything to scream. I had to start sweating. I tied my fingers around the wood part of the knife as tight as I could and showed a little bit of my pearly whites.
“We’ll thank god, we already knew that.”
It was done. We had his voice already. We knew his code. His ugly wife spilled it out after one of the boys rolled around with her. We didn’t know where the capsules were though. That was my job. But it’s too late for that. I had his keys and I knew where his ship was. I also knew where to get my gut cut open so I could get rid of this pain.
